After a conversation with a friend of mine I decided to bring to you, the poor deluded souls who decided to read something that I thought of while half drunk on Red Bull with Monster Chasers before E3 comes along to kick us in the dangly bits, my ‘Rediculous E3 Predictions’.
This is what started it all in my head. Last year Microsoft opened up with the jaw dropping Halo 4 cinematic and this year will they do it again. Announcing Halo 5 for the Xbox One? Its possible. However what if they went a little….Wind Waker and brought us a Cel Shaded Halo 5. The internet would explode with rage. Bungie would be villified, because sadly most people STILL think Bungie are doing Halo titles and deserve to be dropped in a canal with their lack of ability to follow their “favourite franchise”. Cel Shaded Cortana would send the hentai sites crazy and the flood would look like someone sneezed while finger painting using salad cream.
Assassins Creed: Rum Rumble
Ubisoft have a thing for making franchises out of franchises. Raving Rabbids from the Rayman franchise for one, which are pretty good fun and make for a good laugh. They’ve also made Assassin’s Creed card games and this weird game where you run around shooting people while nobody cares. Shootmania something. I’m glad that never appeared. Oh wait… Who’s to say they won’t do the same thing with Assassins Creed Black Flag and make another weird ass game. You play as a caribbean pirate who’s also an assassin and a relative of Desmond, jesus his family must have really got around while he doesn’t even manage to nail Kristen Bell before she gets killed. You run around in a constant running game picking up bottles of rum and paying real cashy money to get more ships to run on to collect rum. What do you mean I’m crazy?
Just Dance: Bieber
We’re back with Ubisoft again. They’ll make another dancing game and everyone will not care until it sells a buttload of copies the world over for people to use on their new connects. I mean who still plays and makes dancing games? However we all know, if you stick Justin freaking Bieber on a box everyone will rush out and buy it and then cry when their game doesn’t load for two hours on a school night. See I can do current events! Who cares if it was months ago it still shows up on Google therefore its still news!
Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball for Kinect
Are you 24. Are you single. Do you keep having to turn off safe search and flicking between channels late at night on TV. I know your pain. So let the Kinect solve all your problems with Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball for Kinect! Who cares that you’re overweight and no-one will look at you unless asking for directions because you never shave your beard and you weep at night into your pillow wishing it was another human being when you, yes you, can prance around on your screen while the kinect super imposes someone from Dead or Alive over your body and you move around with their movements as you jump for the balls over a net. Note: Kasumi sin’t going to look as attractive when she’s bent over with one hand in her pocket vibrating furiously for 42 seconds.
Nintendo, the place where all is right and happy things happen. T hey do like making their consoles bigger though. The DS XL and the 3DS XL just prove they like to put big things in your hands. You thought the WiiU’s gamepad was big? Well now its time for the WiiU XL GamePad Supermax Pro Mario Edition Mushroom Version. Measuring up with a 42 inch screen and doing away with touch screen in favour of face screen technology you can sit with the Nintendo games you love in the palm of both hands, your lap and most of your upper body!
Note from the author: I do hope you realise when reading this that it is a joke!