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An Open Letter to Princess Peach

Dear Princess

First of all, for a princess, your security detail is pretty shoddy. Do you know how many times Kate Middleton’s been kidnapped and dragged off to some fire-ridden castle dungeon? Zero times, Peach, zero times. Perhaps if you invested in security guards who weren’t made of toadstools you wouldn’t be such an easy target. And have you considered some personal defence training? Because the guy who kidnaps you (a Mr. Bowser?) is regularly defeated with a couple of kicks to the head by a plumber who, to put it nicely, isn’t the fittest/strongest/furthest away from a heart attack guy in the world.

Secondly, as a proud feminist, what the hell do you think you’re playing at? First of all you wear nothing but pink; I respect that it’s your right to wear whatever color you like, but does it have to be so very ‘damsel in distress’ all of the time? You constantly rely upon the man in your life to bail you out of trouble, projecting your helpless victim persona to everybody around you and apparently don’t see anything wrong with that. Women fought and died for their rights and you seem more than happy to hand them back to the men around you. I realise that as part of the monarchy, an intrinsic part of your make-up is counter to the counter-culture, but do you have to take it so far? Your lack of awareness of your privilege is both astounding and disheartening.

Third, have you considered seeing a psychiatrist? Or maybe even a sex therapist? I can’t help but feel that the reason you’re so happy to be kidnapped all the time is because, deep down, you’ve got a fetish which you’re seemingly unable to discuss with your boyfriend, Mario. Whether the fetish is the kidnapping itself or the act of being rescued is, of course, completely your business and nothing to do with me, but it’s potentially something to look at as you move forward in your life and, hopefully, away from such a kidnappy place. Be open about your feelings, your wants, your desires and your turn-ons with your partner; honesty is the best thing for a relationship and who knows, perhaps he’ll be into it too?

I hope you can appreciate that I only have the best interests of you, women and princesses everywhere at heart, not to mention the resident populations of the lands you inhabit. How many Goombas have been slayed by Mario and Luigi in their attempts to rescue you? It must be into the thousands. We’re talking genocide here, committed by Mario in the name of his love for you (goodness knows why Luigi does it…) and all that could be averted by you making a few simple lifestyle changes. If you find it difficult to open up to Mario and find that be somewhat closed off in conversation, have you considered that it might be because he regularly kills thousands of seemingly helpless creatures to save you, whilst you put in literally zero effort to either:

A. Free yourself

or

B. Prevent yourself from being taken in the first place.

And what kind of mixed signals do you think you’re sending to Bowser? I don’t know if you have Jerry Springer where you’re from, but you should definitely look into it.

Yours

N3rdabl3.

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Robin’s been writing professionally since before he could grow a beard – now he’s got a big one.

He has an abiding love of retro gaming and schooling American teenagers on Xbox live. He spends half of his time performing hatred based stand up comedy, a great deal of which you can read on his blog, http://theheedlessflipflop.blogspot.co.uk if you’re that way inclined.