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Game of Thrones: The Lion and the Rose Review

Watching Game of Thrones is a little like doing math. What do Weddings plus this show equal? (Be wary, here be spoilers.)

Dead kings, that’s what. That this episode was scripted by George R.R. ‘Kill ’em all’ Martin himself should have been a clue to anyone not in the know that something big was about to go down, and go down it did. Unlike that pie. Oh Joffrey…

‘War is war but killing a man at a wedding, horrid. What sort of monster would do such a thing?’

Maergery Tyrell doesn’t have a good track record does she? Married two, two assassinated. Unlike Renly, killed by a shadowy figure in his tent, Joffrey choked to death on poison pie, blood pouring from his face as his wailing mother cradled him in her lap, in a scene which may well be the only time we’ll ever see a child die in his mother’s arms with a grin on our faces. I can now say that I’ve seen a teenager choke to death and merrily sung ‘See you later, cock face!’ with complete and total sincerity.

The repercussions here are bound to be fairly epic. Tyrion my man, you’re going to want to get out of King’s Landing as soon as possible, or your head is going to end up detached from your body and mounted on a spike somewhere. Quite possibly in Cersei’s bedroom where she can throw things at it.

Special mention goes to Lena Headey who acted the socks off of the entire scene (even if we didn’t feel bad for Joffrey, we felt sort of bad for her, ish) and to Jack Gleeson, who’s announced that he’s giving up the craft forever. That’s quite a note to end your career on Jack.

‘She thinks she’s pretty — let me put one through her face.’

In the North, Iwan Rheon continued to show a wonderful aptitude for playing dangerously unhinged sex-perverts as he and his dangerously perverted girlfriend hunted another girl through the woods and fed her to his dogs, while poor old Theon, (or is it Reek?) watched on in subservient silence. Since losing his dignity (which is what we’ll call his cock just to keep this review in the realms of PG) he’s seemingly become Ramsay’s permanent plaything, passing up a chance to slit his throat and letting Roose Bolton know about Bran and Rickon’s escape. As at the wedding, the acting here is phenomenal; we’ve said it before and we’ll say it again, the performances in this show are nothing short of sensational, from all comers. Top notch stuff.

Elsewhere

We were so swept away by the wedding that we’ve plumb forgotten everything else that happened. Nah, just kidding. Here’s a round up of the few, non-wedding related happenings.

  • Bronn’s teaching Jaime how to fight left handed. He’s also boasting about fucking women we hadn’t heard about him fucking previously, so it’s good to see that he’s keeping himself busy off screen. We love Jerome Flynn and we love the fact that his career used to be doing this.
  • ‘If you were to marry Cersei she’d murder you in your sleep’ — Jaime doesn’t like Loras. Although Oberyn does from the look of things.
  • ‘No one weeps for spiders. Or whores.’ Poor Shae. Ousted by Tyrion for the sake of his child bride and safely on a ship across the sea. Or so we hope…
  • Stannis is really taking this Red-God thing seriously. Anyone for a brother-in-law barbecue?
  • Sigur Ros!

We can’t wait for next week’s episode – but less Bran, more Arya, yeah? Occasional intriguing visions aside, damn that kid’s boring. So boring we didn’t even mention him in the review. Well, I guess we did, but only right at the end. Which is now.