Gone are the days when first person shooters actually took the piss out of themselves and their virtual siblings. It’s been a long time since we’ve been able to control a mini-gun wielding monkey and by Zeus’ toga, it’s about time we could feel that power again. The remedy to this withdrawal is the long-awaited and requested sequel/reboot/HD upgrade to possibly the greatest FPS series of all time, Timesplitters.

We’re too used to playing rehashed, yearly updates of games that depict serious warfare and have lots of sweary, military grunts, spitting obscenities in your face from the intro all the way to the bitter, QTE endings. We’re used to ranking up guns so that we can have a slight edge over our rivals on the playing field and train hard with these realistic weapons so much, that we could probably hit someone wearing the wrong coloured camouflage with 2 mile sniper shot, reading the wind and drop of the bullet in the process.

I say, f**k realism! I want to hop through time, smashing windows while blasting a huge-moustachioed gentleman in the coupon with a laser sighted blunderbuss. I want to be able to shoot an entire magazine of hot yellow bananas into a crowd of burning mutants, breathing in that frittery goodness and then go into a  multiplayer match with my friends on the couch, having a drink and laughing my pectorals off at how pitiful their tank-like, cyborg soldier looks next to a simian with dual wield SMG’s…

The only way this will happen, is if Crytek stop shuffling their feet and take some time away from trying to better the now repetitive Crysis series. Please sirs, allow the old Free Radical Design team to get some humour injected into your game repertoire, instead of dusting off the musty old soldier stories like everyone else in the business. There is nothing wrong with going back to a criminally ignored IP and breathing a bit of life into it.

Mark Jackson, an animator at Crytek UK was cornered by a member of the Total Xbox team recently and asked whether Timesplitters has been lost forever. He had this to say:

“God no! Like I say, in the studio it’s held very dear. It’s just waiting for the right situations and deals to be done. I’m not privy to that, but from everybody working at the studio – everyone, whenever we say what would you like to do next, it’s TimeSplitters. So yeah, there’s a lot of love for it. But I couldn’t say where that goes, or who pulls the strings to make that happen, or when it would happen, but it’s certainly not something that people dismiss.”

It’s obvious that German based Crytek are the primates pulling the strings, but unfortunately, it seems that they’ve not been watching the children of the internet to see just how many people want to see Timesplitters 4 happen.

From the comments made by Mr. Jackson, we still have hope for the series yet and the sooner the better. It’s time to unleash the arsekickulator, Crytek UK!


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