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Will Buying Google Glass Make me a Wanker?

‘I can’t believe you used our conversation as a feature for n3rdabl3,’ she says.
‘Why?’ I ask. ‘That’s wholly in character for me. I’m a lazy writer. I’d do it again if I had the chance.’
She stands up and helps herself to a beer from my kitchen. She doesn’t bring me a beer and I wonder if by asking her to bring me a beer I might be reinforcing negative gender roles. I don’t want her to bring me the beer because she’s a woman and I’m a man, I want her to bring me a beer because it’s my damn beer and if anybody’s going to drink it, then I want to at least be involved in that process. Until Aaron starts paying me in cash-money instead of magic beans, I can’t afford a single iota of profligacy with my alcoohl. 
‘Did you get me a beer?’ I ask, knowing that she didn’t.
She burps.
‘Is that a no?’
‘Yes.’
‘You’re burping now instead of making words?’ I ask.
She burps.
‘Right,’ I say and head to the kitchen to fetch a beer for myself. ‘So,’ I call back into my study ‘I was thinking of getting Google Glass. What do you think?’
‘I think you shouldn’t be such a wanker,’ she calls back.
‘Why does Google Glass make me a wanker?’ I ask, when I’m safely back on the sofa.
‘What do they call the people who own one?’
‘Explorers,’ I say.
She looks at me blankly. ‘That’s what makes it for wankers,’ she says.
‘But the technology is really cool,’ I say.
‘What does Google Glass actually do? she asks. ‘Other than make you look like a wanker.’
‘Well, it basically does everything a Smartphone does. Except on my face.’
‘So like that Smartwatch does everything a Smartphone does, except it’s on your wrist?’
‘Yes,’ I say.
‘Except you’re not wearing it today,’ she says.
‘It ran out of battery,’ I say defensively, ‘it’s charging.’
‘So you want something to wear on your face which does the thing that the things which you have in your pocket and on your wrist already do?’
‘Yes,’ I say.
‘Wanker,’ she says.

That conversation happened and yes, I am using it as another feature because yes, I am a lazy writer. But in my defence I’ve spent most of my free time since this article laughing at (read: weeping because of) the insults thrown my way by men who masturbate too much and don’t go outdoors nearly enough (my current favourite is still the one on the main page there telling me to get the sand out of my vagina, but if you look around the internet for twenty minutes or so you can find a great deal more vitriol which has been thrown my way. All of it hilarious. Some of it a little damning for mankind.)

I’ve wanted to buy Google Glass for a little while now, but people keep telling me not to. Their reasons are thus:

  • Once it comes out of Beta it’ll go down in price, be less buggy, and you won’t have to call yourself an ‘explorer’.
  • It looks stupid.
  • It represents a superlatively invasive technology. If the Fappening has taught us anything at all, it’s that we need to cling to our last vestiges of internet privacy with all our might, before it slips away from us into the gaping void which used to contain our right to anonymity but which is now nothing but a seething pit of our collectively shameful internet history.
It's also where they hold the NSA Christmas party.
It’s also where they hold the NSA Christmas party.

On the other hand, my reasons for wanting Google Glass are as follows:

  • It would basically make me a super hero.

As you can see, there are valid points on each side. Would you consider buying Google Glass? Does Google’s perpetual encroachment into our privacy (along with their devilishly evil company slogan) terrify you as much as it probably should? My Smartphone (using Google Now) recently figured out where I work, as well as where I buy groceries and buy my coffee in the morning, based purely on what little information it’s picked up from being in my pocket when I go to those places. Should that scare me? I feel like it should scare me, but I’m too busy saying ‘Okay Google. Beam me up Scotty’ and laughing at its response to notice that it’s taking over my life. And most importantly, do you think that buying Google Glass would make me a wanker?

Let me know in the comments below.

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Robin’s been writing professionally since before he could grow a beard – now he’s got a big one.

He has an abiding love of retro gaming and schooling American teenagers on Xbox live. He spends half of his time performing hatred based stand up comedy, a great deal of which you can read on his blog, http://theheedlessflipflop.blogspot.co.uk if you’re that way inclined.