Look motherfuckers, Godzilla could easily mess you up. You think you’ve got a chance? Well guess what you, fucking don’t. Here’s the Top 5 ways Godzilla is better than you – and yeah, there might be some movie spoilers in here so cry more.
He’s well ripped mate
You think all your time at the gym means anything? No, it’s all worthless compared to the gorgeous behemoth that is Godzilla. Your biceps are on a minuscule atomic scale compared to the muscles on this hulking beast. You know Kumonga? My boy Godzilla fucking huffed that chuffer to the moon. He does not fuck around. Other massive monsters don’t even stand a chance. He’s also been known to use Mixed Martial Arts, so he’s already leagues ahead of you. He doesn’t skip leg day, and he doesn’t drink protein shakes either you fucking pussy.
Fire breath? No, Atomic Breath, that means radiation too.
You ever find yourself on a Tuesday night waiting for your chicken tikka masala to cook in the microwave? Of course you fucking have. Well listen up, Godzilla has fucking atomic breath. That’s right, god fucking damn atomic breath. He can cook millions of your Patak’s classic meals in a matter of milliseconds. He could do a whole catering gig if he wanted. The best part is that this is not only a handy culinary shortcut, it can rip through fucking anything. You can tell when he’s about to unleash this hot take by when his fins start lighting up blue and white and then ka-fucking-boom, you’ve got a continuous ray of glorious radiation and searing heat that could melt the career off Matthew Broderick. He even destroyed a miniature black hole so really, you’re nothing compared to him.
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Roar means “FUCK YOU” in Godzilla
So there you are, sitting in traffic on your way to your shitty desk job at some dead-end accounting firm, listening to a Hinder CD you got for your 16th birthday. Then you hear the roar of the most glorious monster to grace this good green earth. It’s Godzilla, and he’s coming to relieve you of your shitty, meagre existence. If this roar sounds similar to a leather glove dipped in resin and then rubbed on the string of a double bass, it’s because that’s what it is – and it will be the last sound you ever hear. This is the most recognizable roar of all the big badass monsters and will continue to be the one sound you couldn’t replicate if you tried.
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Amphibiousness, he doesn’t need scuba gear you fucking bint
You think you’re safe in your little dinghy, you’re thinking “there’s no way Godzilla could possibly reach me in the middle of the Pacific Ocean”. Ding ding ding, you’re fucking wrong again. Godzilla can breathe underwater, he can walk underwater and he can swim by moving his tail, this fucker can even use his meal-in-a-minute nuclear ray of death underwater, just proving he could completely destroy you in freestyle, butterfly and backstroke. Even when the big bastard gets tired he can easily hibernate and take a nap in the sea like it was a casual fucking bubble bath. Then when he gets hungry he can eat tonnes upon tonnes of fish, and that’s a lot of fish.
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Power Tail, he achieves more with this tail than you can with your entire puny body
Last, but not least, godzilla has a fucking tail. Do you have a tail? Unless you’re a fucking furry, then no. Even then, it could never do as much as Godzilla’s tail could, probably. He uses his tail like an almighty wrecking ball, destroying buildings and enemy monsters’ bodies causing major soft muscle tissue damage. He even majorly wrecked Megalon by sliding along his tail and kicking that Seatopian bitch into the dirt. This is not just a tail my friends, this is an all-purpose tool of devastation and destruction, and you stand an absolute zero chance of surviving a quick jab from this meaty appendage.
So all in all, no human on this earth is equipped to even come close to defeating Godzilla, the almighty lizard of the deep. If you think you can handle it then go out and check out our review of Godzilla: The Game, you fucking lemon.