Ruining your childhood before Hollywood does it is the name of the game and this week, we’ve got someone having a go at ruining Sailor Moon.
For those of you who aren’t hugely familiar with what Sailor Moon is, it’s basically an all-girl Power Rangers with no giant mecha. Essentially it’s about a bunch of school girls who have magic powers based on the planets in the solar system.
Like the Power Rangers, Transformers, and Jem and the Holograms, it has a dedicated following which was born from Saturday morning cartoon viewing and like anything from your childhood that your parents have sold or have quietly chucked away, Sailor Moon could be in a for a rough time in this culture of movie adaptation.
There are two parts to this equation that I have going.
First, look at Robocop, The Amazing Spider-man, films and the daddy of them all: Transformers. Second, in the West, we’ve had no luck with anime and manga adaptations, see the usual suspects like Dragonball Evolution and Kite.
So, to soften the blow of the inevitable for this beloved franchise or for anyone who is going to find their beloved TV pastimes savaged, I’m going to pitch you the worst live Sailor Moon ever.
First off, let’s start with casting. The best way to ruin an adaptation, for example, look at the casting for the Last Airbender. Yes the characters we’re cosplayer dead ringers for their respective characters, but their performances were shaky at best.
For example, look at the casting for the Last Airbender, yes the characters we’re cosplayer dead ringers for their respective characters, but their performances were shaky at best.
So for the lead Sailor Scouts (the main heroes, like Green Lanterns) characters, cast popular girl band, Little Mix. Boom that we’ve crashed the dynamite cart into something hard. Can they act? Who cares, they’re making money hand over fist and they’re mega popular.
They could do a couple of tracks on the awful soundtrack, too.
What about the loveable cat Luna? The mentor to the lead protagonist? How about someone obnoxious and wide appeal or a flavour of the month? Let’s have Kevin Hart, Josh “The Fat Jew” Ostrovsky, or Lena Dunham fight it out.
What about Tuxedo mask? Well we need a pretty boy who won’t be able to demand a big fee and can be signed onto more characters. Maybe a Disney Star? Sorry, I’m too old to know any names, and to bother researching it. I guess a modern day Drake from Drake and Josh?
Okay so the casting sucks, now onto the plot. Now we’re going to some borrow cues from the Amazing Spider-man and the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies: Let’s screw with the origin story so badly that it’ll annoy hardcore fans and anyone with any knowledge of the franchise.
So let’s change the source of the Sailor Scouts and says it’s some complicated claptrap about blood. Let’s get grim and gritty like a discount copy cat of Batman Begins (like the first Amazing Spider-man movie). Also, lets make it a tale of destiny, like how Peter Parker’s parents created the spider that gave him his powers. So, some complicated side story with one of Sailor Scouts parents are involved and play out across all the sequels they’ll have planned.
The mother could be an established actor looking for a quick paycheck, like the adults in The Hunger Games. Julia Roberts? Sandra Bullock? Jennifer Garner? Jennifer Love Hewitt? Bad guy you say? How about Amy Schumer? That’ll be some stunt casting the Internet will broadcast around and build up hype around the project.
Now for the visuals. Let’s take the loved and cherished character designs and let a talented team take over and half-ass it (see the Transformers designs). Let’s make the Sailor Scout uniforms, ugly because of way to much detail, CGI and tone down the colours as much as possible and looking so different, you can justify a whole line of action figures, cosplay and other tie-in merchandise.
Take way the idea of the costumes being school uniforms and bing-bango. Add in some poorly shot action scenes some leaks which get people on the Internet and boom, a terrible Sailor Moon movie.