Coming off the heels of the Red Wedding, lets move our focus now to our favorite dysfunctional family, the Lannisters. Following Joffrey’s announcement that he will now wed Margaery, the Lannisters begin to make their own wedding preparations.
It’s a happy time for the Lannisters, Tyrion is wed to Sansa, Joffrey just married the richest family in the 7 kingdoms and Cersei has finally been reunited with her true love.. her brother Jaime. Then disaster strikes, actually Karma, Karma snuffs out the biggest blight of this show…
Ok it was poison, but still! The point is this little asshole finally gets what was coming to him. Anyways..
In one final act Joffrey points to his Imp uncle, Tyrion, and Cersei screams for his head. Tyrion is wrongly framed, again, and imprisoned for his treasonous act. At his trial, he gives us a memorable speech and demands a Trial By Combat to determine his sentence. Sadly no one rises to the occasion, not even Bronn, and all seems lost for our half pint friend. But then! Oberyn Martell, the Red Viper of Dorn, and one of the coolest characters in the show, steps in and vows to be Tyrion’s champion.
You see, Prince Oberyn has a bone to pick with Cersei’s Champion, The Mountain.
This guy. The Mountain murdered and raped Oberyn’s sister and butchered the rest of his family. With a grudge this serious, you know Oberyn is going to kick this dudes ass..
Or not… Shit.
Unfortunately for Tyrion this means he is sentenced to death. Just when all seems lost, the self absorbed Jaime comes to his brother’s rescue and helps him escape before he can be executed. On his way out however, Tyrion ties up a few loose ends.
First he takes care of Shae, his prostitute lover turned witness for the prosecution.
Then turns his sights on his father Tywin. Literally, he shoots him with a crossbow… and in case you couldn’t tell, Tywin was in the middle of a late night poop. Shitty.
Tyrion escapes out of King’s Landing in a box, with the help of Jaime and Lord Varys.
But enough about the Lannisters.
During the commotion caused from Joffrey’s death, Sansa escapes the kingdom with the help of Dontos Hollard. Turns out Lord Baelish has plans for Sansa and paid the court jester to aid her escape.
Turns out Maergry’s grandmother was behind the poisoning of Joffrey and used sir Dontos to smuggle the poison into the wedding through a necklace she had crafted for Sansa, clever old bag. With Joffrey dead, Maergry is now free to start working her magic on prince Tommin, how you may ask?
BOOBIES! and some kind, supporting words, but what puberty stricken prince is going to say no to boobies?!
Anyways, back to Sansa. Now in the creepy care of Lord Baelish, she is taken to the Eyrie where she is handed over to her aunt Lysa, you know, the crazy aunt that still breast feeds her 10+ year old son?
Everything is great until Baelish puts the moves on Sansa and Lysa sees the two of them sharing a kiss. Seriously though Lysa, you’re over-reacting, everyone knows Baelish is a creep, Sansa had NO desire to kiss him, it was awkward for everyone…
Welp, glad Baelish cleared that up.
Now free of Lysa’s judging eyes, Sansa Stark becomes one of the newest players in this game of thrones, instead of Baelish’s pawn. The plot thinkens!
Now lets pivot to everyone’s favorite cripple, Bran. Not much has changed since we last checked in on him. He’s still getting dragged around by Hodor and the twins Jojen and Meera. He continuously gets visions telling him to seek out a big tree north of the wall and to find the three eyed raven. Just as they come up on the tree, the group is attack by a bunch of skeletor-looking mofo’s, and… Jojen’s luck runs out..
Even though, Jojen is still alive in the books!! Sorry dude, better luck next time. Though they lose a companion, Bran makes it to his fancy, giant tree and finally meets the mystical “Three-Eyed Raven” who ends up being a salty old man tangled up within the tree. The old geezer promises to teach Bran how to hone his powers and to learn all these cool magical tricks… completely off-screen and for the entirety of season 5, but I digress. Bye Bran, see you in season 6!
Rounding out the last of the Stark family, we have Arya, whose still on an ass-backwards round trip with the Hound, who we learn has a softer side. Aw.
Anyways, their time is cut short when the two have a run-in with Brienne of Tarth and Tyrion’s favorite squire, Poddrick. Brienne and the Hound square off in one epic fight, ending with the Hound being beaten to a pulp and pushed/falling off a cliff.
Yea, Brienne is a beast. Anyway, Ayra leaves the Hound to die from his wounds and tracks down a Braavosi man. She hands him the coin and speaks the words “Valar Morghulis” and sails off on a ship bound for Braavos.
Speaking of bad ass women, across the Narrow Sea, Danny continues her conquest. After freeing the slaves in the city of Meereen, she decides that instead of taking her army to Westeros, shes going to stay awhile and rule the city she conquered.
Things are going fine until Danny finds out that her friend-zoned companion, and most trusted adviser, Sir Jorah Mormont, is actually a two faced spy that was involved in the assassination attempt on her life way back in season 1!! Danny is a merciful ruler though, and instead of having his head, she exiles his ass.
To make things worse, Danny ends up chaining up two of her three dragons after finding out they turned an innocent man’s daughter into a kebab..
Ruling a city isn’t as easy as you thought, is it Danny?? Now I say she locked up two of the three dragons because, well… the third one kinda went rogue.. so look out people of Westeros, theirs a dragon on the loose, burning the country side.
Finally, back up north at the Wall, John snow returns to Castle Black after a season of adventures with the Wildlings and banging Ygritte. Jon Snow is the only one who can help prepare the Night’s Watch for Mance Rayder’s impending siege on the Wall.
What happens next is any fan-boy’s wet dream. We get medieval carnage, we get giants, we get giants riding mammoths, and we get a giant scythe thing that decimates anyone climbing the Wall.
The Night’s Watch win the day but sadly, Jon’s girlfriend Ygritte is shot through the heart, and he’s too late..See what I did there?
Finally, Jon ventures, yet again, beyond the wall to take out Mance, but before anything happens, Stannis freaking Barratheon rides in and saves the day. His forces annihilate Mance Rayder’s wilding army as Jon Snow joins forces with the Lord of Light’s chosen one!
Other quick, notable mentions:
Theon returns to Winterfell, Hot Pie (Arya’s fat friend) gets a brief come back and what the hell is the White Walker prince doing to this baby?!
Thats all for Part 4, keep an eye out for Part 5. Game Of Thrones Season 7 premieres world wide Sunday, July 17!!