What better way can you spend the most romantic night of the year than sitting done with your loved one and watching a couple of perverts jam thing in places they shouldn’t fit? That’s right, Valentine’s Day is on the horizon and that of course means that another Fifty Shades book is being adapted for the women of the world to… enjoy themselves to. A trailer has just been released that promises more uncomfortable romance, snigger-inducing names and surprisingly non-explicit depictions of BDSM.

For those who are lucky enough to never have read the books, the Fifty Shades series follows Anastastia Steele, a naive, attractive, still-totally-a-virgin publisher who has a chance interview with Christian Grey, a stoic young billionaire who embodies the mantra of ‘it’s not creepy if the guy is a hunk’. The two hit it off and fall, or rather whip each other, in love, and it soon becomes clear that Chrissy boy can only get his rocks off by inflicting pain on Ana. Again, it’s not creepy because he’s handsome. The rest of the story is split between scenes of BDSM, Ana feeling degraded, and pointless action sequences. If the plot sounds like a porn movie, well it’s not because… reasons!

Fifty Shades Freed is the final film in the trilogy and is set to explore the married life of Ana and Christian Grey. Will they go down the usual path of marriage where we see them staring at each other resentfully across the breakfast table? Probably not, since it’s a Fifty Shades film, so they have to shove in butt plugs and nipple clamps somewhere. Saying that, the previous film Fifty Shades Darker featured a lot less of the BDSM side and far more of the unconvincing drama, which, and I never thought I’d say this, is a shame. If you are going to make a soft-core porn movie for mums to watch, cucumber in hand, then you should probably go all out on the sex. Nobody watches pornography to be sexually titillated by the inner world of pizza delivery, after all.

Will this one ramp up the sex?  The trailer features a lot of luvvy-duvvy scenes of Christian and Ana declaring their undying dedication for each other, so maybe this will be more focused on the emotional side of the relationship. Problem is, a committed marriage isn’t sexy, at least not when it comes to fiction. Jane Eyre ruined plenty of Victorian pantaloons, not because it actually showed Jane and Mr Rochester having plenty of God-approved bonking, but because it didn’t show that. The most they ever share is a single socially unacceptable kiss, and if that was enough to get your great-great-great grandmother weak at the knees, who are you to say it should be done differently? Romance stories usually end at marriage because there is no barrier keeping them apart anymore. Marriages have problems, sure, but they are usually things like “Chris never listens to me” or “Ana always has a headache when we go to bed”, which are the least sexy problems imaginable, other than being John Prescott’s masseuse.

The trailer does feature Anastasia grabbing a gun. Sadly, I don’t think we will be seeing firearm based foreplay, but instead some contrived plot involving a misunderstanding, kidnapping and murder. Along the way, we will  probably see the two be in love in various romantic locales, fly in jets and plenty of shots of Jamie Dornan’s bum.

If you enjoyed the other ones, you owe it to yourself to sit through this one and see how the story ends. If you didn’t, well you get to feel slightly better about yourself every time you insult someone who does. Thank you, E.L. James for bringing joy to all. She’s like Santa Claus crossed with that auntie you have who gets too drunk at parties.

Please check out the trailer below:

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Fifty Shades Freed is set for release on Valentine’s Day (that’s 14 February for all you men out there) 2018.

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