Once again, Sony have gained the prestigious spot as the biggest wankers in the console market. No, this isn’t because they are run by soulless husks bent on dominating mankind (they are, but so is every other gaming company) but because they have once again topped Pornhub’s console traffic statistics.

They have held the crown for a few years now. Congratulations to you Sony, for bringing so much pleasure to your users! ‘For the players’ indeed.

Xbox Live users have actually dropped by 7% from last year, so I think you all need to step your game up. Do you really want the Sony fanbase to win? Ditch your partner and get back to sitting alone at night in front of your console, browsing Pornhub while shedding tears of shame. You can’t let those PlayStation gamers win again, you have a reputation to uphold!

It’s nice to see that most of the ten people who watch porn on their Nintendo Wii have finally turned their life around and ditched their porn addiction, with Wii traffic dropping immensely from 2016. Though, this could just be that these Nintendo fans have gotten lazier and are now jerking off with their 3DS from the comfort of their own bed, judging by the exponential increase in traffic there. It’s all the more surprising considering that the DS is quite hard to use with one hand…

Moving swiftly on, in the realm of fictional characters people are inexplicably attracted to, we have the numbers in:

As we can see, superheroes are not just a plague on the silver screen, but also on our sexual desires. Harley Quinn once again tops the list, along with a whole host of other caped crusaders. Most disturbingly, perhaps, is the entry of the Avengers as a whole group. Maybe after breaking apart during Captain America: Civil War, they need a big gangbang to release all that pent-up frustration with each other.

Most of these superhero characters are also male, so we can clearly see that the porn-superhero industry is just as dominated by men as the conventional one. Give Poison Ivy her own standalone porn film, you sexists!

The only non-superhero related entry is Rey from Star Wars, which is surprising to me, given how many times I have seen shirtless Kylo Ren posted on my Facebook timeline. It is quite fitting to the character, I suppose, that Rey even bests him in our most depraved fantasies.

Finally, we can also look at the listings for most popular searches for video game characters:

To literally nobody’s surprise, Overwatch dominates this list. What is it about competitive games that bring out the worst in people? It is shocking that Tracer is not higher on this list, as I always thought she was the most lusted after character. I suppose her voice does get annoying after a while…

It’s nice to see that my long-time waifus Kitana and Mileena still make the list after all this time. The times may change, but the sexual fantasies spawned by Mortal Kombat characters never fade away.

It is quite disturbing that Pokemon’s Misty is so high on this list, considering she is an underage girl. Though, if she were a real person I guess she would be in her 40s by now, which makes her the highest scoring MILF on this list. You show ’em Misty, you’re only as young as you feel!

Perhaps even stranger is the presence of Pikachu on this list. I guess if you strapped a couple of wires to Pikachu and attached them to your nipples you wouldn’t need to fork out for the car battery. Or is it that he just comes as a package deal with Ash higher up on the list? Nope, don’t want to think about that. My childhood has already been ruined by Hollywood enough times, I don’t need porn to make it even worse.

Well, wasn’t all that refreshing information about the human race you really needed to know? Next week, tune in for our piece on ‘which Mario character remind pensioners of their suppressed sexuality the most?’

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