So with Wrestlemania 34 set to kick off in a matter of hours, here’s our predictions, courtesy of the 3 of us who actually give a shit…

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal:

Well this is gonna be a bit of a toilet break match as always, so none of us really care. It’ll be full of ‘HOW CAN THEY GET THE BIG SHOW OVER THE ROPE HE’S SO BIG?’ and people drinking themselves into an early grave hoping it’ll end quicker. They’ll give to Matt Hardy or a returning Colin Cassady, or some shit.

The Women’s Battle Royal: 

As above. Piss break match. Gives them all something to do I guess. Here’s hoping they throw it on Becky Lynch because it’s about time she won something right?

Cruiserweight Championship: 

Well the pre-show is looking stacked isn’t it? Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali, and to be honest, it’s a match that we forgot was happening. Mustafa Ali please, Josh wants Cedric Alexander because he’s a mardy one, and  Gage didn’t even realise it was happening.

Raw Tag Team Championship:

So it’s the Bar vs. Braun… sorry, BRAUUUUNNNNNN Strowman and his unannounced partner. Gage has been sensible, stating ‘whoever Braun picks a partner is taking the pin, I don’t think Braun is getting tied down to the Tag division while Lesnar might be on his way out. Need the big guy at the top again. Cesaro and Sheamus retain’ Meanwhile me and Josh both want Braun to take the titles, either on his own, because BRAUUUNNNNNN, or give him someone completely useless, like Ellsworth or something.

Smackdown Tag Team Championship: 

It’s a new day, yes it is! yup, New Day vs. the USOS, and another split opinion. Gage incorrectly believes ‘It’s time for the New Day to take the titles back. Though I feel bad because The Usos are, seemingly, on the main card for once, which is nice, but not nice enough’ meanwhile both Josh and myself have the USOS going over here.

United States Championship:

The viper, Randy Orton, against Jinder Mahal, Rusev, and Bobby Roode. Another match we forgot was happening. Today is Rusev day right? RUSEV WINS ON RUSEV DAY! Just for god sake don’t put another title on Jinder… PLEASE.

Intercontinental Championship:

The Miz fights Seth Rollins and Finn Balor in a triple threat match, and with Seth picking up a win on Raw, he’s out the running as always. So it’s between the Miz and Balor, and while we love the Miz, we can all see the pin going to Balor, to give him something, we guess?

Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon vs. Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn:

DANIEL FUCKING BRYAN IS BACK! YES! YES! YES! YES! Ok marking out done, they’re going over here, and then Kevin and Sami will show up on Raw, and it’ll all blow over at Survivor series or something, THE ONE TIME OF THE YEAR, EXCEPT FOR ALL THE OTHER TIMES, THAT BOTH BRANDS DO BATTLE.

Raw Womens Championship:

Alexa Bliss vs. Nia Jax, and both Gage and Josh have Alexa going over here. I’ve got Carmella, because she has to actually cash in properly eventually, and will not want to face Asuka, cause lets face it, NO ONE, is ready for Asuka. So she’ll cash in here, in some manner that benefits no one, I’m sure.

Smackdown Womens Championship:

Asuka wins.

John Cena vs. The Undertaker:

Gage has gone a bit nuts ‘ I’d like to think we get a scene of John Cena at the event beating up people backstage and yelling at them like when Batman beat up Bane in The Dark Knight Rises and yelled, “WHERE IS IT!? WHERES THE TRIGGER?!?” But the trigger is Undertaker, obviously, Maybe Cena will even investigate the crowd, walking up to each dude dressed as Taker in the stands. Eventually, Taker will show up, and Taker wins’ While i’d love that, the build up has been so lack-lustre I see this being set up this year for WM 35, and they’ll do the whole once in a lifetime bollocks again…

Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle vs. Steph McMahon and HHH:

Yeah Ronda isn’t losing this one. Lets just hope Angle remembers where he is by the end of it.

WWE Championship: 

The dream match that totally never happened on the indies… AJ Styles vs. Shinsuke Nakamura, and we’ve got AJ for this one but we’d love to see a Nakamura win. Either way, this will be match of the night without a doubt. One could say it will be Phenomenal. I’ll see myself out.

Universal Championship:

As much as we’d love to see Brock kick his face in, Roman is going over here, because he’s Roman. For fuck sake.

Who else is excited for Wrestlemania 34 to kick off? Do you agree with our predications? Give us your thoughts bellow.


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