2018 is soon to be coming to an end, and it is always a time for film fans to examine the offerings Hollywood brings us in much the same way a cat drags in a rotten pigeon head, expectantly awaiting praise from its vomiting owner. Many people look forwards with great excitement to the year ahead, but anticipation is a dangerous thing. After all, how many people eagerly awaited their trip on the Titanic? Or bragged to their friends about their ticket for a window-seat on the Hindenburg? Film studios care less for quality and more for getting foolish bottoms on overpriced seats, and the Hollywood hype-machine goes into overdrive this time of year.
We here at n3rdabl3 have your back. Instead of the usual list of films for you to look forward to next year, we are going to go through ten of the upcoming titles you are most excited for and tell you why you are wrong. For you, it’s a win-win. If we are wrong, you have a fun movie to see. If we are right, we hopefully have already lowered your expectations so you won’t be as disappointed.
In no particular order, lets dive right in.
We have just started, and I feel confident in saying that we have already reached our winner in the ‘most generic subtitle’ competition. Then again, this is from a company that thought a ‘who’s the clone?’ story could last the best part of a decade, so we have to judge them in the same way we look at a child’s Christmas card: smile, tell them they’re such a clever boy, and quietly throw it in the trash when they’re distracted by something shiny.
Yes, it’s next year’s big Marvel crossover film. Now, Avengers Infinity War surprised everyone by actually being quite good. It balanced all sixty thousand characters masterfully and ended on a really powerful moment. It defied all the usual tropes of the genre, such as the heroes having to learn to work as a team in order to stop the bad guy’s big blue laser beam weapon. Here (spoiler alert for all you people just going on to the internet for the first time), Thanos actually succeeded despite the heroes’ best efforts. We even saw fresh-faced Peter Parker dissolve away into dust while Tony cradled him, unable to stop his surrogate son from melting away.
On top of that bombshell, Black Panther, the character who
What do you mean there’s a new Spider-man coming out? AND a new Black Panther?
So, I hope you’re all ready for Avengers Backtrack, where everything meaningful about the previous film is reversed, turning Infinity War into a hollow shell of its 2018 self for all future generations. Good job Marvel, it’s great decisions like this that have turned you into the dying, stagnant comics company you are today.
Oh yay, it’s the Marvel film coming out that people give absolutely no shits about. I can’t wait to see yet another origin story that features a main character learning to be a true hero (when they have been a hero from the beginning), a scary new villain (with no development because they can never find the time to flesh out more than one character in any Marvel film), and see the Marvel Cinematic Universe in the 90s (It’s not like Wonder Woman 1984, it’s a totally different decade!).
I nearly forgot! This time the generic lead doesn’t have to waste time every morning making sure she doesn’t catch a testicle in her latex pants! She’s one of those women types, isn’t she? How courageous a leap for Marvel to allow a woman to take center stage. It only took ten years of having the most successful film franchise in history before they decided to show their feminist principles, and even then they waited for DC to show it was economically viable first. Better late than never I suppose.
Then again, what does my opinion really matter, when Carol Danvers herself, Brie Larson, says we need fewer white male film critics? I guess, since she doesn’t want to listen to me anyway because of some tertiary unchangeable characteristics of mine, she won’t mind that I call her a boring, uncharismatic, vacuum of personality who actively makes every project she is in measurably worse. I look forward to her claiming that everyone who criticises her performance a misogynist. Remember Brie, they don’t hate all women, they just hate you for the talentless dullard you are.
I almost feel bad for the
Now, we have Shazam! coming out, a more comical film than the usual dark, gritty offering from the
The trailer made it look quite good, but we have all fallen for that trick before. Suicide Squad had a decent trailer, but the film itself was so terrible that its name became awfully prophetic for the audience reaction. Now, should the DCEU live up to their poor reputation once more, I fear that we are in for something truly horrible. There is barely anything worse than a bad comedy, and there is nothing worse than a bad DC film. The combination of the two may cause mass panic, hysteria, and probably nuclear annihilation of the human race.
I wonder how long it will take us to reach an actual original property that is not a sequel, part of a pre-existing universe or a live-action remake. Pro-tip: We never will.
Remember Zombieland? It was the 2009 hit that was a bit like lightning in a bottle. It was pretty funny and arrived just as the zombie craze was in full swing. We watched a fun group of people snark their way across an undead ravaged America. Of course, we now live in a post-zombie world where everyone is absolutely sick to (un)death of the shambling, brainless shits. I am honestly shocked that anyone thinks releasing this film today is a good idea. Even Andrew Lincoln is so bored of zombies that he would rather fade back into obscurity than do another bloody season of The Walking Dead.
Despite this, Zombieland 2 is really coming out. All the original cast are returning, so at least we get to look at how much older and dead-eyed they look. I suppose ten years of Hollywood would kill anyone’s spirit. It could even affect you so badly that you sign on to do Zombieland 2.
Toy Story 4
When I first heard that Toy Story 4 was being made, the first question I asked was ‘Can they really make Toy Story 2 for the third time?’ We all know the formula by now: Toy gets lost, toys look for him, lost toy grows to distrust humans because of charismatic new toy, toys arrive to rescue lost toy, charismatic toy turns out to be evil. The fact that people still seem to be convinced that Pixar remain the only truly decent animation company going baffles me. Yes, The Incredibles and Finding Nemo are classics, but they were over a decade ago. The Incredibles 2 and Finding Dory showed us just how creatively bankrupt they have become, simply choosing to rehash the originals for profit.
Now, we have another Toy Story coming out, and I would bet good money they will just repeat the beats of the previous films once again. No doubt this one will also have the faux sad scene just like the third film, teasing some tragedy that is intended to make all the adults cry. Hopefully this time they have the balls to actually follow through, as I distinctly recall being disappointed at the toys’ survival in the last one.
Kill Woody or Buzz, please Pixar! Even Mr. Potatohead or the T-Rex would do. Yes, it’s a children’s film, but guess what? Death happens around kids too. Grandma isn’t getting any younger, and it is better for them to face it happening to
You know what else Toy Story needs? More gory decapitations and disembowelling. Roast some puppies too, it’s good for kids to see that. You know what? Screw Pixar, just take them to see Saw 28.
The Lion King
The Lion King is an all-time classic, with an amazing cast, a simple archetypal story, and some really powerful moments that still resonate with people today. What really sold the film, however, was the beautiful animation that brought this vivid, incredible world to life. What better way to recapture the magic of this film, than to just do the same thing again but to make it all look like the dreary, boring reality we all are forced to reside in?
I say ‘make it look like’ because this is not really a ‘live-action’ remake as Disney are touting from their pedestal made from broken childhood dreams. All the lions are made of more CGI than Thanos’s left arse-cheek, so the film is going to be just as much an illusion as the animated classic. So all the crisp, colorful animation is being replaced by over-produced, soulless attempts at realism, just to get you to pay for a story you already own on DVD.
They also decided to replace much of the original’s cast. This wouldn’t be so bad, except they have decided to fire Jeremy Irons while also deciding to hire Seth Rogen. I don’t know what kind of strange Satanic rituals they use at Disney to determine their film output, but I think the sacrifice was definitely not a virgin if the omens told them that was a good idea.
Disney is also remaking Aladdin this year, though at least this time their claims of ‘live-action’ are actually well founded. The film is a retelling of the classic tale of a young rogue discovering a lamp containing a wish-granting genie. Instead of wishing for something beneficial to all mankind, like world peace, an end to disease or a sequel to Dredd, he instead uses the reality warping magic to seduce a lady he met that afternoon.
Much like The Lion King, much of what made Aladdin popular was its voice cast, specifically comedy legend Robin Williams amazingly chaotic portrayal of the genie. Disney, ever having their fingers on the pulse of young culture, has decided to replace him with Will Smith, star of After Earth and YouTube Rewind 2018. For the rest of this list, I have been entirely negative, but I can in no way foresee how this casting will not be well received by anyone on the planet.
Keep a look-out for Fresh Prince of Baghdad next year, I am sure it will be… delightful to watch.
Wait, this is supposed to be a list of anticipated films. Captain Marvel was pushing it, but this is a joke. It’s a remake of Dumbo, the stupid film about the disabled elephant with large ears.
It’s yet another live-action remake as well. If you ever want to see Disney at least try to be creative again, don’t see it.
Pokemon: Detective Pikachu
It is rather strange that a new Deadpool sequel is coming out so soon after the last one. I was confused when I saw the trailer, as they seem to have completely redesigned the character, as instead of his iconic red and black attire, the Merc with a Mouth is now wearing a strange weeaboo yellow and red rat design with a deer-stalker hat. He seems to have lost some weight too, as well as having mastery over electricity (I always thought that was Electro’s schtick, but I guess Sony still have the rights for him). I suppose after the time-travel shenanigans of the last movie, the X-men timeline is even more of a mess than before. Thanks,
This time, Deadpool has teamed up with the nerd from Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (another crossover?) to solve the mystery of his missing partner. It seems weird that so soon after introducing Cable, they have decided to kill him offscreen. I guess Josh Brolin is busy collecting more superhero money from the bank.
It really seems that Fox have gotten themselves just as confused as the fans about this franchise. They even accidentally used the Warner Brothers logo instead of their own in the trailer. These Hollywood executives are such idiots.
Alita: Battle Angel
I feel that somebody should really go in and check on James Cameron. The man has been sat at his computer for so long, presumably drawing new landscapes for Pandora and searching Na’Vi on DeviantArt, that he has literally forgotten what human beings look like.
That is my only explanation for the appearance of Alita in the upcoming Alita: Battle Angel. She looks like a woman who decided to fling herself face first into the uncanny valley, smashing through every one of my sexual hang-ups along the way. I know it is based on one of those Japanese animoos, but other adaptations have been done before without making the lead character look weirder than Andrew Lloyd Webber in a Girl Guide outfit. Usually, they just hire a white person and upset everyone instead.
Like losing your virginity, it gets a bit more interesting after the initial fear and revulsion. The film boils down to cyborgs fighting in the post-apocalypse, which sounds like a pretty fun idea. However, Hollywood has a very poor track record at adapting Japanese fiction, so I am fairly skeptical. It also seems to be a part of the trend of films that just think they can throw enough CGI at the audience to induce a sensory coma, presumably to stop them from noticing how shit the film is. For more examples, see Ready Player One and Mortal Engines.
Well, I hope all of you feel just as pessimistic about cinema next year as I do. The best outcome is that I am wrong about all of this list; indeed, there are some entries I am more confident about being terrible than others (cough cough Alita: Battle Angel cough cough). Regardless, it should be an interesting year for films, and it will be fun to see which titles fop and which manage to succeed. See you all next year!