Everyone’s favourite NSFW (and SFW) website, Pornhub has released its annual search statistics showing some very interesting trends made it over to that side of the Internet.

December is always a magical time of year. Children eagerly await Santa Claus’s annual visit, Christmas songs play on the radio, and a whole host of holiday films play each and every evening to ensure that everyone is full of festive cheer. We all love it, don’t we?

Who are we kidding? Christmas is a consumerist mess, and deep down we all seethe with resentment at having to work out what to buy our second cousin’s new baby Timmy. Truly, the holiday season makes us think the worst of humanity, and what better way to celebrate that than to see all of our deepest, most embarrassing depravities laid out for us. Thankfully, Pornhub has us covered there, by being generous enough to give us the gift of their yearly statistics.

Now, as with last year, we are going to focus on the top search results for video game and film characters. Sure, we could spend time working out why ‘mom’ is one of the most searched for terms or why so many people watched Stormy Daniels despite the inevitable images of Trump’s flabby naked body flashing in their heads, but I don’t really want to know the answer to those questions. If you wish to see the results in full (pervert), follow this link here.

Right, let’s dive into this sordid mire.

Pornhub 2018 Year in Review for Video Related Content

A shock result in the world of console cranking, as 3DS users have reversed the trend and stopped using the handheld device to watch pornography. Last year, I hypothesized that Wii U users (ever seeking new hardware innovations in the world of masturbation) were switching to the 3DS to save them from sitting in front of a television, but it seems that now they are even leaving that device in droves. Perhaps, these users have decided to clean up their acts, or maybe they have just started to feel guilty whenever they see the sweet and saccharine world of Mario pop up on the console they just used to watch an interracial dwarf gangbang.

Sony maintains their masturbation monopoly, and their userbase has followed the company in ripping off whatever Nintendo is doing. It seems that Sony fans are now doing the same act as Nintendo perverts last year in abandoning the home-console in favour of the handheld device. Will they abandon the PS Vita in the same manner as Nintendo fans leaving the 3DS? I am very excited to find out next year.

Meanwhile, Microsoft has gone for the conservative approach to world-wide wanking domination in making slow and steady gains. They have made some headway in regaining the ground they lost last year, though they are going to have to do something drastic to topple Sony. Possibly some form of Fleshlight port in the Kinect? Hopefully, we will have an announcement next E3 to confirm this.

Pornhub 2018 Year in Review Movie TV Search Statistics

In the realm of sick TV/film fantasies, Harley Quinn has taken top spot once again, surprising no-one. I wonder if she is considered as overdone in the world of smut as she is in cosplay? Is there even a difference between the two?

Moving on, Elastigirl has taken the number two position. I wonder how many of those searches were done by Pixar employees themselves, given how much focus was given to her arse in Incredibles 2. Don’t fret for the rest of the Parr family, as they come in right behind at the number 3 spot. Let’s not think about that too much.

Superheroes continue to dominate the list in general, which just makes me feel even more sick of the whole trend. I understand that watching The Avengers save the world from Detective Doom’s big blue death-ray makes you want to show them some appreciation, but does it really have to be through honking that particular horn? I know Superman loves ‘Truth, Justice, and the American Way!’, but I don’t think he appreciates one-handed baseball.

Star Wars also remains a big presence on the list, with three characters taking prestigious spots on the list. Princess Leia is rated higher than Rey, who is in turn higher than Ahsoka Tano, forever settling the issue about the different trilogies’ qualities. It goes Originals>Sequels>Prequels. Sorry George, but a bunch of depraved nerds have finally put the issue to rest.

Pornhub 2018 year in review video game character searches.

And now, the list I have been putting off talking about: The most searched for gaming characters of 2018! I want you to look at the top result and then think about it. Take your time. Look at the number of searches, compare it to the others. I’ll wait, really let it sink in and think about what that says about our species.

Fucking Bowsette. A God damn meme had over three times the number of searches that Harley Quinn had. We are all absolutely insane and I am really hoping for some sort of nuclear war over this. She’s just Princess Peach wearing horns with a tail, why does that warrant 32 million more searches? Is it the looks, or the fantasy of finally teaching Bowser a lesson for coming back every bloody game? I guess we’ve tried pushing him into lava fifty times, why don’t we try a different approach? For shame, Nintendo, what have you done?

What else can we talk about while we try to bleach that from our minds? How about Fortnite? Yes, they have powered their way onto the list with a whole range of different characters. The Overwatch vs Fortnite debate has made its way onto PornHub, as both battle it out for supremacy. So far Overwatch maintains the lead, but who knows what will happen next year? Maybe they’ll even be able to rival Bowsette…

No! Bad Connor! We’re not thinking about that!

So last year I made a big deal about Misty being on the list even though she it technically underage. I would say I’m disappointed about her continued presence on the list, except this is Pornhub and the lingering disgust at humanity is part of the fun. So Misty has only grown in popularity, while Ash has dropped off completely. Poor guy, not only will he never be the best, he will never even be the sexiest character in Pokémon. I notice Ashe from Overwatch is on the list, so let’s just hope that this was all the result of poor spelling and we’ll see his triumphant return to form next year.

I think that’s all I have to say about this year’s list, other than mentioning that Mileena and Kitana are clinging on for dear life in this list. C’mon ladies, you’re sexier than Tracer for Christ’s sake! Otherwise, I hope this has been eye-opening for you too.

Please join us here again next year, when we are bound to become even more jaded and despairing when some other bizarre trend makes its way to Pornhub.

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