Universal has announced that the upcoming DOOM movie has been pushed back to Fall 2019 in an effort to “make Hell awesome”.

If you went into a film producer’s office and told them that you wanted to turn Edward Munch’s Scream into a movie, they would look at you like you were a complete twat before calling security to remove you from the building and quietly beat you in the alley outside. It is obvious why; paintings are a completely different form from film, with their own goals and methods to achieve them. Any film based on a painting would emerge as a disconnected pile of shit, yet, time and time again, filmmakers keep trying to base movies on games. It recalls to mind the classic definition of madness, as every year we see more video-game based movies churned out and every time they come out as total shit. Well, now we see an even more repetitive example, as later this year we have another DOOM film coming out.

DOOM 2019 is not going to be a sequel to the 2005 adaptation. This is probably a calculated move, since DOOM 2005 is remembered about as fondly as Polio. The new DOOM is being produced by Universal 1440, who make lots of direct-to-video releases for Universal Studios. Originally, the film was set for a release in the Summer, but now we won’t be seeing it come out until Fall, apparently in order to improve the quality of the CGI, specifically in the scenes set in Hell. This would also make its release coincide with the new game, DOOM Eternal, so hype may also be a motivation.

If I hadn’t made it clear already through my insufferably smug tone, I do not think that a DOOM film is a good idea. DOOM has never been about story; it is instead about grabbing a chainsaw and burying it in a grotesque demon’s fleshy stomach; it is about blowing a zombie’s head into bone fragments and gore;it is about sating that primeval beast deep within us, that part of you that wants to kill and destroy everything you can sink your claws into. This is masterfully done in the games, where you play as a blank meathead gleefully murdering your way through Hell’s legions. In a film, where you need to watch characters act like normal people, the visceral nature of DOOM gives way to boring old reality. That’s part of why DOOM 2005 failed, and why most video game movies fail to have an impact.

But hey, maybe the film industry learned their lesson with the last DOOM? I mean, they’re great at learning from their mistakes… right?

DOOM is set to be released in Fall 2019.

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