I’m beginning to believe that I secretly hate myself. The reason being that I have once again subjected myself to another game from Kool2Play. This time I was playing Hyperide.

Hyperide is one of those games that belongs to the Infini-Runner genre alongside the likes of  Temple Run and Subway Surfers. Though what sets Hyperide apart from them is that, well, it’s just shit. Gameplay is, like most Kool2Play titles, repetitive to the point of boredom, and the sound design makes me wish I could pierce my eardrums with a sharp stick. So here we go again I suppose…

It seems Kool2Play have a theme when it comes to gameplay. That theme, I’m guessing, is ‘Little to no Effort’. Hyperide only has one feature and that is moving up and down. I seriously wish I was lying but no, the only programmed action is vertical movement.

With this one, single ability you are tasked (I may be stretching the definition here vastly thin) with avoiding space rocks of 3 different sizes. You have no way to fight back like Asteroids or other such Arcade classics so have fun watching your little shitty ship go up and down and up and down. If you’re really unlucky (like I was) you may even be subjected to the spontaneous flip where you have to get your ship from the opposite side of the screen and proceed to get royally fucked as this inexplicably inverts the controls. Great…

Hyperide Screenshot

As well as having different levels which you can save up and purchase there are also two different modes you can waste your time on. These are ‘Incursion’ and ‘Survival’. Now, hear me out, I have a problem with a game such as Hyperide featuring a Survival mode because… well that’s the idea of an Infini-Runner right? To survive? Or have I missed something. The ‘Incursion’ mode is also not hugely different from the standard game other than it is just a teeny bit harder.

 

On top of not having your spacecraft crumbled by the paper mache-like asteroids, you can try to save astronauts that have somehow lost their own vessels and seem to be freestyling through space. The other mechanic is that you can hurtle yourself into wormholes which lead you to little pocket… things… So you can collect this purple stuff cheap, which apparently is what you need to open up new levels and acquire different ships.

Each time you start up a level you are presented with a few objectives. What could they be? Do they make the game better? Is this redemption? No. No. And fucking no. You always get one of a few very dull objectives where the only real variation is how much of something you need to do. Each one you complete adds some of the aforementioned purple stuff so you can unlock more pointless crap.

The level design in Hyperide is almost as dull as fan favorite Clock Simulator (sarcasm alert). The only real changes between the playable stages are the backdrop, which sees you making a pass at a different planet. The second change is that maybe, JUST MAYBE, the killer space rocks have changed color. I wish I was lying but this is what video games have become.

Hyperide Screenshot

Another recurring theme I have noticed with Kool2Play’s not-so-cool-to-play (see what I did there)is the game’s shitty sound design. If you have bothered to read my other reviews on their games you will notice how I pass comment on monotony. Take a guess. Too damn right, once again we are forced to endure through hypnotically draining sounds, this time IN SPACE! I went into this with low expectations and was still somehow disappointed.

Hyperide seems to have had two individual teams for the visuals, on the one hand, you had those who designed all the models of everything in the foreground. It all looks like it was sculpted with clay by an infant and then scanned into the game with a thumbs up and half a pack of chewed crayons. On the flip side, you had beautifully designed backgrounds of galaxies and planets. The quality was that of an image taken from the ISS and I was astounded that this was the backdrop. It made no sense but, over six hundred words in and finally something nice to say.

Hyperide does have a shred of replayability. I mean a shred, like when an infomercial shows off how sharp a knife is by slicing a single millimeter thin slice out of fruit or something. The only reason to want to come back to this *ahem* ‘game’ is to unlock some more unappealing spaceships or to maybe change the only thing redeemable out of this game, the background.

 

I honestly don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I have had one decent experience from Kool2Play so that means that they’re batting 1 for 4. Hyperide falls dangerously close to what Clock Simulator was in terms of just how bad it was. The fact that the control scheme doesn’t know whether it’s inverted or not and the (once again) face-palm worthy audio is painful to listen to. With any luck the next time I get the opportunity to play one of Kool2Plays games, I will have inexplicably lost all motor functions in my hands so I can avoid yet another travesty.

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