It seems to become some sort of an obligation that I need to review a game which invokes thoughts of “what the hell?” and “what did I do to deserve this?”. Godly Corp is the latest game to make me feel this way.

As far as a narrative goes in Godly Corp, all I could seem to comprehend was that I was a new employee at the titular company. My job was to manage a little holographic globe on my desk to point three different colored blocks (which were meant to represent continents) at a lamp so they didn’t freeze over. I wish I was making this up but I’m not.

The entire gameplay of Godly Corp has you doing two different things at once. Now as a man my multi-tasking skills are virtually nonexistent, so it’s hard enough as it is to tackle more than one thing at any one time. However, when you make all the gameplay notoriously difficult then you may as well slap me upside the face instead. The real kick to the teeth though is that you don’t get a tutorial, so I had to resort to rolling my hands all over the JoyCon more similar to a massage than playing a game.

Spinning the gregarious green globe in Godly Corp is the more simple part of what you have to do. Control wise it utilizes the D-pad of the controller so as to rotate each point towards the heat lamp. The real issue is that the globe is translucent, therefore determining which side of the planet the markers are can be a real problem, especially when under the pressure of failing.

Godly Corp Screenshot

The other aspect of the gameplay which had me screaming silently into the night, then the day, then the night again, was trying to control the ever-rotating, Lovecraftian tentacle which apparently belongs to the player.

Here we need to learn how to control the disembodied octo-arm with controls similar to Octodad with the fun taken out of it. The left analog stick sees you waving your tentacle around like trying to swat a fly, and the right analog sees you stretching it further away.

This may sound simple enough on its own but paired with pissing around with the D-pad and the globe it isn’t difficult to lose where you are. The reason for the tentacle is to swipe away some uninspired bugs from occupying your globe. It only takes one of them to cause failure too and the constant influx doesn’t really make matters easier. Later on, the challenges do change and they get even more frustrating. Like trying to play the violin for your planet. That’s if you can bear long enough to play that long though.

There was a moment that I was actually doing quite well and was only a few moments of completing a level when the game decided to reward me. ‘Excellent’ I thought to myself. Things were, in fact, not excellent. A small box was craned in for me and instead of dropping a nice surprise for me, all I got was more bugs… It was here I realized that maybe Godly Corp doesn’t want you to win and cemented my hatred for this apparent game.Godly Corp Screenshot

Graphically speaking, Godly Corp wouldn’t look out of place being released around 15 years ago. Everything is more basic than the most basic of bitches. The setting of the game looks more like a free to use backdrop taken from a file-sharing site which hasn’t seen a user in about a decade, and the desk is a poo brown trapezoid/trapezium. It really is the height of innovation I always seem to end up playing…

Those asshole bugs I mentioned earlier, yeah they don’t look much better either. Taking a page out of the innovative desks book of design, they are one block color with a pathetic level of design put in. They look more like beetles that fell into a bucket of red paint in hopes of killing themselves to get out of being in Godly Corp.

 

Godly Corp is a very poor excuse for a game. The opening level alone is enough to make anyone regret purchasing this title. With the garbage controls and zero context narrative, there isn’t much reason to want to play after the first quarter of an hour, let alone after making to the end credits.

I would recommend staying away from Godly Corp unless maybe you really hate yourself, or maybe just buy it for someone you hate instead. There is nothing within the game which could be close to redemption at any point throughout. The only thing Godly that came out of this was my unbridled rage.

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